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  1. Elephant Story
  2. Bag Lady
  3. Tech Support
  4. Penis Study
  5. Rabbit
  6. Eight
  7. Chili Tasting Results
  8. Case #33
  9. The Bet

Elephant Story



I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant


Bag Lady



A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while a twenty dollar bill falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her and says, 'Ma'am, there are twenty dollar bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!,' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for letting me know!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, I spend most of my time in the park right next to the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes right into my flowers! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ' Twenty dollars or off it comes.' '

'Well that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'Okay, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'


Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5.

If that wasn't bad enough, Husband 1.0 then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try to enter the command:

C:/I.THOUGHT.YOU.LOVED.ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.
If that application works as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
BUT remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly 3.1.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support


Penis Study

In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.

After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, Yale decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.


RABBIT

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they came across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

Send this to 4 persons, so that the little rabbit can get rehab.


Eight

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22ft going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER ... THIS IS TRUE... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.


Chili tasting results. Poor Frank!!!

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank, Who Was Visiting Texas.

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges, both native Texans, that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty; good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I expelled gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge No. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing: It's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount St. Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blended chili, safe for all; not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK:(Editor's note: Judge No. 3 was unable to report.)


Workman's Compensation Case #33

Dear Sirs:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block #8 on the accident form, I put "Trying to do the job alone" as the major cause of my accident. You said in your letter that you needed a more detailed report, and I trust the following will be sufficient. I am air conditioning/heating service person by trade. On the date of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.

When I completed my work, I found that I still had about 500 pounds of tools on the roof. Rather than carry these tools down six flights of stairs by hand, I then decided to lower them from the roof in a barrel by rope and pulleys. Securing the rope at ground level, I then went up to the roof and swung the barrel out and loaded the tools into the barrel. Then I went back down to ground level and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of tools.

You will note in block #11 of the accident report that I weigh 135 pounds. You can imagine my surprise when suddenly I was jerked off the ground, lost my presence of mind, and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather alarming rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down the side of the building. This will explain the fractured skull and broken collar bone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until my knuckles on my right hand were buried two inches deep into the pulley. Fortunately at this time, I regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of the pain. At approximately the same time, the barrel hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel, dumping the tools into a pile on the ground.

With the barrel now empty, and again I refer you to block #11 on my weight, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. Again in the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This will explain the two fractured ankles and lacerations on my legs. When I hit the barrel, it slowed me down enough so that when I fell on the tools, I only sustained three broken vertebrae in my back.

I am sorry to report that as I lay on the ground in pain, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The barrel came down and broke my hip.

I hope that this is sufficient information for the insurance company. Please send the check to me.


The Bet

This is a joke that should bring you luck. Well, at least have fun with. An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"


Bindherupx.Tripod.com

2008-08-04 Mon 22:19:39 cdt